Hindi ko alam kung paano ko nakayanang maging kalmado habang kaharap ka kanina. I thought I had already prepared my heart for this kind of situation but talking to you brought back memories that I had tried to bury at the back of my mind.
I unconsciously opened our conversation last year. Ini-scroll ko 'yon at bumigat ang puso ko nang makita ko ang pagbabago sa messages mo. I could still see the emotions, concern and interest in your earlier messages but they became bland and short as months went by.
Your sweet 'good morning :) Ingat sa pagpasok!' turned into a simple 'morning' and I thought I was just overthinking that time but after that, you suddenly stopped messaging me.
I started doubting myself and lost my confidence when you suddenly left me hanging. A lot of questions lingered in my head. Did I do something wrong? Were my messages too much? Was I boring? Did you get tired of me? I got anxious because you just disappeared without telling me anything.
Doon ko na-realize na naging malaking parte ka na ng araw-araw ko kaya hindi ko alam ang gagawin nang bigla kang nawala sa sistema ko. I didn't want my life to be out of order just because a single person came and left so I made myself busy. That was what got me through the year. But that didn't make me forget about you. Kaya nang nakita kita ay nagsimula na namang gumulo ang buhay ko na pinaghirapan kong ibalik sa ayos.
I had high walls before you came into my life but you managed to take them down. You reached for my hand. I was hesitant to held yours because I never left my comfort zone in my entire life but for once, I was tempted. I wanted to know what was out there. I wanted to know how would it feel outside my safe place with you. It was a huge risk but I took your hand and started walking toward an unfamiliar place where everything was uncertain. I thought everything would be alright as long as I was with you but then . . . you let go of my hand.
I was alone in an uncharted place. I didn't know how to go back. But I struggled on and persevered just to find my way back to my safe place. And when I was just a few steps away from it, you showed up again, but this time, holding a different hand.
Siguro tama na rin na makita kita at makapag-usap tayo para malagyan na ng tuldok ang kwento nating dalawa.
It would be better for me to accept the agonizing truth rather than clinging to an uncertainty. This way, I could finally breathe.
Muli kong tingingnan ang mga nakaraang pag-uusap natin. Isang taon na ang lumipas pero hindi ko mabura ang mga 'yon. I was scared to erase your messages because those were the only memories we had.
But this time, it was inevitable.
I should stop looking back when you were already far ahead.
I should start moving forward even if it meant seeing you along the way.
I should end that 'something' between us to finally let go of these lingering feelings.
Tomorrow, I would set myself free.